It was to the soundtrack of A Star is Born, that in a cliched moment, I realised that I have no one in my life who would place me as number 1 in their life. In fact, to many I wouldn’t even come close.
And this isn’t just a feeling. It is fact. Through the actions of others, I am not number 1 to anyone.
And this isn’t some egotistical maniacal trip. But there is no one close enough to be there. To make an effort. To love, cherish and to hold.
And I understand why, there are children, grandchildren, parents to care for, vulnerable friends to look out for. There are lovers, there are closer friends, colleagues that are closer and more strategically important. I am the peripheral to the peripheral of peoples lives.
I don’t seek fame, money, power, authority, attention (no really), I don’t have to be liked or loved, only heard.
And I’m okay like that. But to have no one close, to be someone’s second or third and most peoples peripheral. Is hard.
And I don’t think many people can understand that. When you marry young, when you have children, a partner, a close friend since you were at school. You can’t begin to imagine what it feels like to lack intimacy, to have to be intimate with strangers, to make the most of every contact, to be desperate but not appear so, to have to go to a support group to let it out.
There is no other love like having someone close. To be number 1. To share, to cherish, to hold. To know that no matter what anyone says, no matter how close – it really isn’t the same.
And it hurts. It hurts because I may be my own number 1, but that doesn’t come effortlessly. That doesn’t come without shortcuts, it is without any surprise, or any moments of that, that glee when, you weren’t expecting, that moment when, it’s just, that moment.
You know the one. Like a million Christmas, all in one go. Because someone thought of you. Thought of you because you were really important to them.
But then, that’s just being single and 30. Some people have to please themselves, because there is no one else who will.
I can talk to you all you want. But I’m not your number 1. And I don’t think I ever will be. I have to do that. All the time.
And if you are lucky to have a number 1 and be a number 1, then you’ll know; that’s not something you could live without. And any thought of the end is a endless sea of sorrow. For some, that place is normal.
Because for some of us, when it’s raining all we have is ourselves, and sometimes a brolly. There is no one else to sing, dance, smile for. And that makes that act so much harder.