Over the past several years I have slowly been invalidated. Told I am an egotistical maniac, able to do nothing but sit and waste life away on the end of a pipe.
When this becomes a reality; it is nothing more than a mirror than what I’ve lived through.
As I slowly tried to do new things, I’ve learned nothing more than a list of things that I can’t do because of my physical, mental and spiritual faults. That I don’t have the personality for this, that or the other. I am too disagreeable, too principled, seek the compete rather than the pragmatic.
For all the inspiration I try to put out there everyday, I am left with nothing but a feeling of hopeless, hapless and lonliness. Others may smile, others may see me in song or dance, but as Smoky Robinson says; look closer and you’ll find the tracks of my tears.
There is nothing I can do that leads to success, achievement or fulfilment. And worse still, there is no backstop to fall back on.
From the bottom of my soul, to the top of my head and through my heart; there is nothing I have done that I can really do.
The greater the encouragement, the less the will. The more effort, the greater the cost. I even considered escorting so I could afford a toaster and kettle.
The more I experience reality, the less I see a path to be both honest, fulfilled and in the black.
And endlessly all I see is a great number of injustices, not to myself but to the weakest, most vulnerable and less well off.
I tried to have intimate time with people, but it ended in great discussion in the homphobia that has resulted in the delay of life changing treatments for a decade. If someone had cared my chances of cancer would have been reduced, I would have never been infected with HIV and I may have a lower risk of gonnohrea infection.
These are just one selfish example of social injustice that exist; because very few people care.
And I am angry that no one cares. I am angry that people are so lost in their own mires, television dramas, whatever someone else’s said; that nothing changes.
And as for me, the greatest contribution to my own life is a toaster, kettle and soft furnishings.
I wake everyday to the fear of paying off an intangible debt. To a life without love. Without a partner. Without people who let me be me. to a constant nagging that I should do this, feel this, think that.
I wake to a life in which I see, hear and am reminded of every fault. Every self greed and every hypocrisy. To a world where I can’t even make my front door secure. Where I am uncertain everyday whether I will return to a flat as I left it.
In parallel I wake to a life in which people are dying, family and loved ones with a date on which their life will end.
This is a world of powerlessness, fear, hopelessness and more than that a trap. There is no limit, only to the trap I am in. I no longer take accountability for that trap, because there are so many more things beyond my control than within my own that have led me to wherever I am now.
Ain’t that a truth.