Desire is a funny thing. It reminds me most of a song by Desire called Under Your Spell from the soundtrack of the movie Drive. This song is about the spell of love, and falling enchantingly into their arms, charms and spells.
Recently as I’ve walked about, moved from one crisis to the next, been alone, deleted social media, felt a strong disillusionment, motivated, discussed, listened; there was one thing missing. Desire.
I’ve honestly thought long and hard about what it is I desire right now. And it is a place of certainty. Then I can move on. I’ve filed my admin, I’ve done my chores, I’ve explained, reexplained, provided evidence. Felt the edge of meaninglessness, of reason, of having absolutely nothing to cling onto. I let everything slip. All of this whilst in a constant state of fear.
And that desire ended up being a pack of bourbon cream biscuits, a mojito, a cigarette and ice cream.
For the only thing that matters; is not necessarily what I want. It’s for a future around me, a kind of eutopia, where my nieces will still have polar bears in the wild when they grow up, where people don’t have to live in fear, hate, poverty, hunger etc. The kind of idealism that people can’t believe in and turn to all other forms of destructive and meaningless outlets.
There was a moment today when wearing a T-shirt that had the art of Keith Herring on it, I packed a tote calling for the end of homelessness, into another bag that provided support for child refugees and children in care. I felt a bit of a ponce, a bit of a fraud and a bit of a pastiche.
The reality for me, is that it is so dismally complicated just to exist; that it doesn’t matter. And in fact understanding that makes it easier to understand that it is in fact, worse for someone else, somewhere.
And that any hope for a lovely utopian future is impossible for me to achieve. That even my small actions are like little, little ripples ina vast ocean
As I did the maths on my current budget plans; I realised I was going to be significantly short on cash for months to come. Squinting into the distance; if, when, whom, how, why – the target of stability seemed distant.
I went out to do some gig work. It’s quiet and as I sat in the park surrounded by pigeons; I spotted a face I knew flirting with someone else. My first thought was; oh god I’m so small right now, life isn’t working and I have nothing to really offer. Everything is failure.
The reality; was a moment of freedom. I could let go of that person. I don’t control the rotating cogs around me. Most things are now out of my hands. And despite the gut wrenching anxiety I am free.
From the gut
Yesterday I completed my work at a brewery. At the end I felt awkward and was in fact awkward to the supervisor. They were expecting me back next week; and I knew I wasn’t coming back. My coworkers from the agency left. And I felt a sense of loss. I didn’t actually know what to do with myself.
There’s been a lot of letting go, of expectations, hopes, dreams, people, financial realities, pride and most importantly ego. That hopefully is floating and fleeting somewhere far away.
I listened to a podcast recently and it postulated the most important thing to ask is why? Not how, what or whom. This would provide insight to innate purpose of an organisation or person and it’s/their values.
And I thought. As people we don’t really have a why. We’re not born with a defined purpose. We take on roles, jobs, relationships which provide the why. I could root on about beliefs and values; but they are more of a what I believe, rather than a why I believe in them.
Lost for a moment in the idea that I don’t have a why? I thought I can do anything I want, I can be as hedonistic or spiritual or ranting on like Donald Trump all I want. I could snort a load of drugs, drink myself until I blackout, jump from a building, escape on a bud to Paris.
But that was my head. There was nothing left in my heart. And as what I really want isn’t forthcoming, I’m just going to have to hold out.
Zig a zig ahhhhh.