Let it all go. See what stays .

Anon

I had a flashback. A flashback to the homeless women who had passed out on the street and didn’t want any help. And I thought; how am I being helpless?

I had just walked past a pile of milkshakes, of plants, a job, shelving, books.

I just want to meet someone to love. And be loved by. And no amount of plants, milkshakes, employment or shelving will help with that.

I am on the receiving end of offers of help. I’m in the phase of let it be. There is nothing that cannot be done. I am bound by my physical, legal, schedule of time and constraint of others.

I am not holding myself back.

Squinting

Looking back at myself with a squint what I really see is someone in crisis. Both at a value level and existential. There is not a lot of purpose or value to my existence.

And I don’t see a future with one either. I can motivate myself to move round, but ultimately as I found at the start of this crisis, it is all meaningless.

I could try to rewrite the rules of HR software, I could push ecocandles into peoples hands, I could place requirements into a spreadsheet, I could literally aim for the moon and try to become an astronaught. I could become a nurse, doctor, cook, waiter, publican, property developer, academic.

But none of the processes to get there are enjoyable or tolerable.

I could get a dog, a cat, a hamster, a fish tank. I could move home, or country, or back to my parents house.

None of these options bring any sense of joy or meaning. Therefore the problem is existential.

Good fortune

I am able, semi-willing, I am alive and there is more ahead of me, than behind. There is meaning everywhere. The sun is shining. I can sing as I ride on my bike. Shout everytime I encounter a rainbow pedestrian crossing. I can keep moving forward.

I can appreciate all the things I can do.

There may be many sunflowers and much good fortune. There may be all the gratitude, inventiveness, resilience, perspective, trial and error I can give and receive.

But ultimately, sometimes, feelings won’t shift. Those are the ones that scream at you forever. This one is something like; there is something very very wrong in my universe and I need to keep looking for it. And I won’t stop looking.

I feel I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up.

Rose form the movie Titanic

Triggered by an overactive brain and never ending anxiety, I will never stop looking. I will never trust the reality around me. I will only tolerate it.

From the bottom of my soul, out through my mind and heart; I cannot live with the contradictions of myself or the world I live in.

And as I am regularly told; there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I am powerless in a world made up mostly of hunger, greed, sadness, want, war, violence, indifference, ignorance, patriarchy, tradition. And so much more.

From the top of my voice; the system is broken. And I am part of, and partially responsible for, a worldwide systemic system which oppresses the poor, fuels war, reinforces class, race and religious conflicts, places white men at the top, executes individuals for any manner of things. That silences the righteous; silences and conceals the truth. Puts money and profit, before the value of people. That fails to learn. But… cute cats on Instagram. Politics and human rights are unsexy and should never be spoken about.

I am powerless and I am angry. I am angry that more people are not more angry. That people see their own convienience before the needs or others, or their right to protest, or be heard. I am angry that people are uncompromising when it comes to cherry picking individual challenges over big ideas. See the problems before the opportunity.

Strike, protest, scream, jump, make love, art, peace, poetry, write. The city and its surfaces are your canvas. Stop with “10 Foot”. Express everything humanity can be, not just Kardashian looks and Dua Lipas eyebrows. Be interesting for not how you look, but how you came to be. Hold the interests of others in your hearts not number of followers.

After all, as I frequently say; we have nothing to loose but our chains. But then maybe as Paul McCartney says. Just let it be.