Whenever I make anything, I stir love into it, I knead love into it, so when I present it, it’s special.

Val, Great British Bake Off

Following on from human want. And human need. There is human love. The best things are made with love; with passion; with care; where the product is more important than everything else around it. And it can carry a much greater meaning through what the product was intended to be or someones motivation to create it.

There’s a lot of self love going on in my life. It takes a lot to; trust, move forward and commit to action. To be brutally honest with myself. To challenge myself. To stand-up, defend, be self critical. To be compassionate and kind. Sometimes I just want to cry because it is too hard to self-love.

Around me I feel sadness. I feel pain. I feel sorry. There aren’t always a lot of smiles or laughter. My days are full of admin. And I can’t think or feel for anything that will make me any more motivated to do anything.

Right now

Right now when I look at things I see price, I see impact, I see what others will think, I see a lot of decisions that aren’t really mine. I am powerless right now over the outcomes in my life.

As I stroll through the day what I hear is the accountant, the manager, the therapist, the enemy with a good mix of paranoia.

Today I can’t go outside. For several days just walking about has inspired a feeling of sickness, from the bottom of my stomach. People have been staring at me. And I haven’t felt comfortable in my own skin.

As I walk about I see all the things I could do, but truly I see no joy in them. It literally equates to more bee stings. I try to cover this by singing, writing, exercising or focussing in one spot so I don’t have to see anyone else.

From that place

From that place it doesn’t matter what I say to myself. I can’t reason with myself. There is sometimes no act of love that will shift the other emotions that we are feeling. That takes time.

I guess that’s an admission that right now I don’t have the emotional spirit to actually take care of myself or to just deal with the monotony of life.

Only start baking when you’re ready. Self-patience is a virtue. And waiting will make the the end product better.