Make a choice, any choice, and move on

Therapist

I sat in the middle of a traffic island for 30 minutes today. A metaphor; the island was the safest place I thought I could be. Man has made his own island.

I had come out to chase an appointment, collect something from the post office and buy a black t-shirt.

But I couldn’t bring myself to make a decision. I felt, a little alienated. Uncertain. Unsure. Not sure what was driving me forward. paranoid as people stared on at the weird man sat on the curb of the traffic island. Wondrously lost.

The choices were really simple; but I just couldn’t bring myself to make one. All I could think about was the feeling of my stomach wanting to churn everything up. I wanted to go back to bed. I wanted to sit in a dark room until everything went away. I wanted to cry my eyes out until I had rubbed my face sore.

Which reminded me, I wasn’t that hungry. I hadn’t really eaten anything yet and nothing was making me hungry. I browsed the food sections of the stores, thought about coffee, thought about a cold drink but couldn’t really pick anything.

Just do it

In the end I forced myself to have some chocolate and complete my chores. But I didn’t want to be here, right now.

It is done; but I wondered the high street thinking; where has the joy gone.

I know I need to do something for myself; but I can’t really figure out what that is. Something for myself has become day to day admin and maintenance. And I am so bored of it.

I know that whatever I chose, right now where I am I won’t enjoy it. It won’t be a pleasure but a chore. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m hungry. Maybe I’m jealous. I’m probably angry.

But I could sit still for 30min it’s in the middle of traffic, gridlock and people going about their chores. And really understand what I was experiencing, even if I couldn’t make it surface.