Just because someone can, doesn’t mean they really can


I was supposed to be at my GP’s half an hour ago. I was supposed to have gone to a work thingy. I am supposed to be gathering lots of evidence to prove I am unwell. I am supposed to have got some new glasses. I supposed to have all my bills nearly paid on time. I was hoping to go on holiday next week.

But right now I’m laying naked in my bed. I want to curl up into a ball and hide.

To the outside world I am functioning. I’m moving forward doing lots of stuff. In my world I have blisters on my feet, I’m exhausted, every part of my body aches, I’m broke financially as can be, I’m spending more time doing admin for other people than I am speaking to people on a social level.

Never take advantage of someone’s joy or happiness, even their smile. Add to it.

It would be better off if I was…

Sometimes in my head rather than dealing with life and moving forward, I think I should just do nothing and live in the constant worse state of myself.

But because I choose to push myself really hard, because I choose to take risks, because I choose to remove any sense of self ambition. I am expected to all be happy and good and fine.

It really isn’t. Most of the time part of me is crying, or craving something, or replacing people with ice cream.

I spent all of June eating nothing more than Haribo, satsumas and ice poles. I didn’t speak to anybody. I didn’t see anyone I knew. I was sick afterwards and no one gave a flying fuck. I also shaved my hair off.

Just cry

People want people to break and snap in two. Or that’s how I experience life. Push him to the edge, no push him over the edge. And I bounce at the bottom like a bungee rope pulling me back.

I don’t have to react or respond to any situation in a way that someone thinks I should. I’m not your puppet. But sometimes all people want to see is a clown.

Right now I’m fed up. I’m fed up of pushing myself only to be ignored. Well I’m going to stop pushing myself. Why should I?


ADDENDUM: There is nothing that I want or need right now. There are no dreams. There is no future goal. There is no plan. The only thing I have is people chipping on my shoulder everyday asking me to pay a bill, or that I owe them money, or that I need evidence. That’s all I have in my life right now.