Yesterday I visited my crybench. It’s the place that I used to go to pour my heart out. A kind of safe space that’s open enough not to feel claustrophobic and private enough that people can’t hear me. The bench is on a road next to a wall covered in ivy.

The bench is a real location but also metaphorical. When I feel I’m up against the wall; that’s too high to climb, too difficult to dissemble and too vast to go round. I can sit down. I can pick up the phone and cry. This wall is too big. And I’m definitely not getting through, over or around it.

The road runs left and right, round a corner and there are many destinations. But which way Alice?

Life is full of uncertainty. And I have not a clue what is coming in the next six months. Everything is up in the air. I’m in a little crisis. I won’t know until the end of the year when I have the hindsight to reveal what the better way was.

So from here what are the possibilities? Well:

  • I am going to Portugal and Spain to see a friend – I hope there are a few couches for me to sleep on
  • I am starting a new job which involves globetrotting
  • I am doing as much temporary work in the meantime to get by comfortably
  • I am coming up with a new financial plan
  • I am eating well, I am simplifying
  • Right now I am comfortable
  • I am going to study in the future and get a masters
  • I am going to climb a new career ladder
  • I will eventually pay all my bills!

But right now I can’t say for certain where I will land. Right now I go through social media and I see people dating, people holidaying, people celebrating their careers, people trashing each other with a sense of superiority. I see people who want change but won’t do anything about it.

In the middle

I wish sometimes everything was rainbows, unicorns, dance, song, a version of The Sound of Music. A golden age of film where everything was great and no one was suffering.

But it isn’t like that. Amidst the song, the glamour, the romance, sinister forces were at play. Everything in The Sound of Music was sacrificed for love. It didn’t matter that as the family crossed the border to Switzerland they had left everything behind. They could only look forward; a kind of adventure in everything new.

In the middle of a series of decisions where logically it is impossible to determine what is right, or what is the shortest most comfortable journey. Creates a decision vortex. What is it that I can actually change, control and guarantee? How do I let people who want harden certainty, give them it, when actually; I don’t know. Right now, I am totally at the hands of people making decisions about me.

I am handing it over. I am powerless. And I don’t know if expectation and reality will match. I don’t know if I’m five years, or four now, what will actually be.

Willpower

All I know is that I have to keep moving forward. Literally. That forward right now is applying a sticking plaster to a few very drastic and sudden life decisions. And clinging desperately onto any and a hope.

But willpower for duties sake, or for willpowers sake, is not a true reality. It is not a dream. It is not food to keep the soul full of passion, love, compassion, dreams, hope and faith.

My experience tells me to fear what is coming that it all ends up in a catastrophic disaster. Like the half trifle, half shepherds pie Rachel manages to cook in Friends.

The reality; this heightened states of anxiety creates the future and serves it. It makes it hard fought for. It makes it a rollercoaster where one minute I’m near certain death, to the next laughing that I survived. To the giddy sigh of “this is going to happen again”.

Reality check

When the next six months are not clear. I certainly can’t make a decision about the next five years.

What scares me about my reality is that there is no plan. There is no outcome. There is only what could, might and eventually will happen. And that is anything. The future is boundless, and I’m not travelling in any direction. Just everywhere.

What I’d really like is not to be alone. I’d like to be told that actually, I don’t have to cling to people through a lens of seeing everyone as similar. Not to stare on at the world as it passes by. Not to have to be vulnerable with someone, just to hear the words it will be okay, or achieve some attention.

In fact right now I feel pretty invisible. This feels like a pivot somewhere. On the edge waiting to be pushed by some ethereal entity into a new future. That doesn’t make the feeling of uncertainty any easier.