I sat sitting a wee glass of Cava by the pool. The sound of the palm trees swaying in the wind. The soft ripple of water hitting the edge of the pool and draining. The sound of clacking as a sandal hit the heel of someone’s shoe. The crunch of the sand as I pressed my foot into the ground and felt very grain roll over the soles of my feet.

I read about the human perception of reality. Is something as I see it, what I see; or what I have been taught to see?

Beneath this experience I was hiding. A sanctuary of fear. A world where everything was ambivalent, indifferent. A truth and a lie.

That was really me. A truth and a lie.

Self defence. Fear. A smile. Grimace. A layer of protection. I couldn’t use the loo. And I wasn’t sure what was beneath the layers.

I was lost and found. In peace. No expectation. I was okay. I didn’t have to be. I watched as my judgements ran through my mind and laughed at the pettiness.

The world is so beautiful. The people are beautiful. Their complexities, truths, fears and lies. I’m too ethereal.

Shrouded in layers of self preservation and protection. I will never really understand that beauty or what exists outside it.

This is so shit. I am alone. That’s is okay. It is silent. It is peaceful. I don’t have to do anything. I crave your touch. But I don’t need it. I need nothing. It’s really okay to not be okay.

Please let me be in this moment.