Why I’m walking away from my 12 step fellowship.
I’m terrified. I’m stressed. I’m anxious. I am alone. I am sad. I am angry. I am tired. I am hungry.Me right now – also, the process of change
I was staring out of my bedroom window in between work calls on Friday. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining.
And then it entered my head. “I don’t want to be in a 12 step fellowship anymore”, followed by “let me call my sponsor”, followed by “this is insane, no one would advise me to do this”.
I found myself listening more and more to peoples problems. And their daily lives. And I realised it was so weird to be sitting in a meeting in a problem space for 40mins every day.
Okay it was less than this. But it was what happening. I wonder if people actually listened to each other – how people could remain emotionally, mentally sane and sober? Listening to this non stop avalanche of emotional honesty and vulnerability.
No longer was this a place or growth or of strength or of joy. It was emotional and spiritual turmoil. A place of; where is the solution? How can I help this person? Is this the right place? Am I in the right room?
Where is the joy. Where is the compassion. Where is the connection? I realised;
I WANT AND NEED INSPIRATION. Everyday. From the people with the right energy. The people with passion . The people with charisma.
I was sick to the stomach of hearing the same answers over and over and over. It was like living in a permanent chant of the same. Like being stuck in a never ending recording of a record repeating over and over.
I was tired of people in a mode of self deprecation rather than self forgiveness, self realisation or even self compassion. How God was master over our lives and we are powerless over it. I found myself thinking; if you believe in God, right now you are living in a gift from them and you are choosing to criticise their creation, you, the universe etc.
CARPE FUCKING DIEM. God wants you to live your best version of yourself. God wants your imperfections. And God wants you to seize every fucking single opportunity every moment of the day.
I was tired and resentful of dedicating so much of my time to one aspect of my life. Focussing solely on a spiritual element. Trying to learn from people who had years over me; homes, relationships, families, friends. I have nothing.
I needed to let it go. I needed to literally handover this time, these emotions, these negativities and throw it back. And say. Thank you for this. But right now, this isn’t working.
A big hole
Then rose the panic of having all of this time. Of being completely free to be alone.
All I knew was that this handing it back and over was right. That my time would be filled with what was needed.
I didn’t need to fear being alone. I could thrive in my loneliness and that I don’t need anyone else to make me happy.
There were some negatives in there; no one will love me again, everyone must hate me, I have no friends because I have an awful personality. My social anxiety has been through the roof recently. My depression growing. Stress rising. Compliance with my medications falling.
This felt like the complete opposite of what I should be doing. It felt uncomfortable.
It also made sense to do the complete opposite of what I was being told to do. It also felt like part of the plan. whatever that is. It’s also okay to be uncomfortable. To seize the moment.
I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know how I’ll spend the 7-14 hours worth of recovery time I’ve got back from not going to meetings, not doing service, not doing step work, readings, calling my sponsor every week.
All I can be is grateful for the right now.