We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.Promise 1
That feeling. Entrapment. I have no choice. I am stuck. I am powerless in all I do. My ego is the size of the galaxy. For so long it’s been about me. And in the most destructive sense. I’ve handed it all over. It’s a mess. I have no choice. I weep. I have lost all my freedom.
For a couple of weeks I’ve felt trapped in all I say and do. Stuck in a treadmill. Stuck in this thought pattern that there’s nothing I can change.
The truth is the opposite. Everything can change. The universe sees to that. At any moment the earth can be whipped from underneath my feet. This very moment I can make a choice to walk away from everything.
But it is in the promise that things will get better. In the faith that these moments pass.
What I see now is that I lost faith. I reached my limit and 26 days ago I finished a relapse. Although I still cling to the fact that I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage in over 10 months.
Change is the power
I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m going mad. My sponsor made one suggestion. That I complete all my recovery work by 8am. that I deprioritise everything else.
And boom. I am productive. I spend my day rolling off my feet at work.
I have a new bed. Soon a new bike and espresso machine. I did something crazy today. I joined the most bombastic gym full of these burly men. I can barely pick up a weight. Press-ups are foreign to me. Well they feel like that.
As I change. My mind wonders am I replacing stillness with things, stuff, doing. Am I being serene. Or am I simply moving on with life?Have I got too much on?
All I know is to live without regrets. That if I want a real low, I can find that easily in a comedown.
I worry that I am being materialistic. That I Am using codependency as an excuse to be selfish. That I am only self seeking.
I gave up many of my service positions. The truth: I was using service to overcome social anxiety and avoid people, because my ego told me I was better than them.
When I find myself in this question space. There is a simple question and answer: AM I OVERTHINKING AND OVERANALYSING THIS?
Which leaves me with one request of god; let me know when I need to stop doing.
As for the gym; I’ll let you know how dropping the ego and being bottom of the class goes. Times to let it go.
Every dream started somewhere. We all started the same: with nothing. Reliant only on circumstance around us and kindness of others, our parents, our families to help us grow. Some of us didn’t even get that.
No, I have no regrets.