It’s Saturday night and whilst it can feel like the rest of the world is out there having fun, putting their glad rags on, getting ready to shindig. Try their luck at meeting someone new. Listen to a cabaret, share some love with friends. I decide it’s time to go to bed early.
Despite trying, I don’t have the money to pay some bills next week. I can’t every get my brother his birthday present. Or pay for the meal we have next week.
I am alone.
I haven’t been to all the meetings I wanted to this week. Instead my week has been inverted pushing me back and forth between different priorities
I am alone.
I’m in my bed clutching to the pillow. Shaping the duvet into something to cuddle to resemble someone or something. Right now I need someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay. I only have myself right now.
I am alone.
Everything is piling up, I’m making progress but not quick enough. If I just sleep I’ll wake up and it will all be okay. I’m working through my step 4 and seeing all my resentments in the light of day. That cold broken, heartless person who’d do anything for that next fix, to make these feelings go away.
I am that person with all the momentum, hopes and dreams. Free from partners, lovers, people to care for. There are opportunities everywhere. Yet I still cannot find that one thing that will just be my moment.
I am alone.
It’s 04:15 in the morning I’m awake. I feel all these feelings all at once. I download an app and find my way to this fellows house. They were there are the start of my recovery and if I return there; I may just get some clarity for how to escape this lonely place.
Sadly there is a pipe and I pick it up. All that clean time gone in smoke.
And I retreat into my mind, back to bliss. All problems lifted. It may be artificial but it feels like a moments break. A lifting of everything I am worried about.
I’ve relapsed, it was simple. I’ve let myself down. I’ve let others down. I’ll be off all week. Nothing will stop me chasing this feeling. It feels like peace but won’t last for ever.
I journal your understand why. I end up with pages on a 10 year journey. Pointing the finger – but it all came to this one moment. A moment of weakness put everything in the bin.
If you are watching. If you are judging. Please understand this is not what I want. It seemed like an easy answer to a moment of weakness and a moment of seeking rebirth.
Where was I wrong?
I didn’t stop to ask for help. I didn’t lighten my load by sharing out. I didn’t open up. I didn’t cry. I didn’t do the basic self care rituals that let me get to a place of alright. I didn’t sleep through the night as I wanted.
I was bitter at others because I felt all the constraints. I was seeking joy. I was seeking service above all else. I didn’t connect. I couldn’t find someone like me. I didn’t confront all my fears. God felt like a drill sergeant; forcing me along. I didn’t stop to say, this was too much. I need a break. Give me some fun. Let me have headspace.
At the end of the treadmill I fell off. I could have hit the slowdown button but couldn’t find it.
Instead I was ready to throw everything in. For a moments solace, for substance that could take away my worries, that made me feel powerful. A moment of madness, insanity. There are no answers here, nothing.
This trade in isn’t worth it. It won’t fix me. But for a few moments it helps me change what if I feel.
I hope I can get back up again. Because I keep stumbling, betraying it all because I cannot move past, if I am enough or a cry for help. I’ll take whatever you give, for nothing feels.
Like my inner betrayal, loss of self my in confidence and lack of trust. For even if it is not true, right then and right now it feels as if, I am all alone and there is no help.
Please pick me up. And let’s start again.