As I come to another close of another week it feels like there is a lot of projection going on. Projection of negativity, positivity, of me, anger, anxiety and emotion.
And I am your mirror. Or are you my mirror.
I will only show the fairest one of all, no matter what I might think. Because a constant act of vulnerability is a life of pain. A constant projection of all the woe is just boring.
I was told to be vulnerable; and I don’t really want to be vulnerable anymore. It’s like living in lifes darkest corners on loop.
It also made me realise the way I act differently in front of different people, or is that my mood in any given moment. I don’t know.
As I sat, listening to a lover, letting out all of their worries, anxieties and negativities. I didn’t want to listen to it anymore. I am the one on a shoestring. I am the one who has nothing.
Just be grateful for the right now. It will pass. This isn’t really that bad.
I also question what is right.
This week all I know is that I don’t really need a constant cast in my life, I don’t need a man, I don’t need sex, I don’t really need any love. I can live without all of this. I don’t have to be centre of attention, I don’t have to speak, I don’t need an opinion, I don’t need for think. My own suffering is tiny. I don’t need things, food, health, a massive social life. I don’t need friends knocking at the door, calling or texting me. I don’t need resentments. I don’t need to acknowledge the feeling of loneliness or of connection as I have all the basic things I need.
There is very little I actually need.
This all feels like self will; but I’ve handed it all over. I force nothing. I’m not sure what the lesson was this week. I’m not sure what I’ve really learned. I don’t know what next week will bring.
It feels like I really am alone. I’m not sure that’s what the life lesson was meant to be.