Take a deep breath and remember who the f*ck you are


Today I started the day with a run, as quickly as I could. I was almost sprinting. The air was sticky wet, the sun rising the air lit orange in the mist. I got back and went to my new meeting where one thing stuck out; living in a fishbowl, looking out rather than being out and smashing the bowl.

I have no idea why it affected me but I live in a world of both Gods will and self will. I see this as what I hear and see from the world around me; and what my gut is telling me feels right. Moreover I recognise my own stubbornness and my fight against the will and wishes of other people.

The fish bowl to me is indecision but also those moments in recovery when you can’t tell what HP, ego, self, service, common sense or intuition is.

London at Sunrise

Then I turned my attention to life admin. This involved speaking to the job centre about my job search and starting my annual accounts and tax return.

I love to get things out of the way so they are out of my head; and I’m almost there after forensically going through all my business activities for the past two years. It’s something I’ve left for a long time and I’m glad I’m almost very there with it!

Gods will, my will, or trusting in myself?

I attended my regular Wednesday meeting today. I’ve been hearing a lot about Gods will and praying, this meeting was about trusting in oneself.

Right now I have the time to stand still and do nothing. It’s actually very painful. It’s actually very lonely.

But I love a graceful stop to just self evaluate, listen, let perspective heal and just sit with the difficult emotions and do nothing. It’s like a spring clean of all the emotions, letting them bubble to the surface and understand where I am at. Let them rise, label, move on.

Loneliness: missing people, places, things

I realise I am missing someone, a lot. I hear that I need to be of more service. I see a lot of pain in the world around me. My higher power right now wants me to stand still. Breathe and feel everything around me.

And I don’t know where I stand. When I feel lonely; I don’t know if I love someone or if I’m using them out of my loneliness. I also don’t know how others use me. And I don’t want to be codependent.

Like the feeling of that warm, orange, sticky air this morning. The world is full of chaos and it is a privilege to be absolutely still. Over time it will become clearer what my HP path is, right now I just need to stand still and look ahead.

Today I am grateful for a programme that provides me with all I need to get through the difficult emotional moments. For the air and space to breathe. For my fitness and health. For my patience for paperwork and sorting out money matters returning.

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