You can change the world by changing the way you see the worldAnonymous
I went to my regular early morning meeting. The reading reminded me I am my own worst enemy but also my own hero. An anti-hero of sorts who is complex. But most importantly; I am here.
Having the whole morning to myself (almost) I got all the stuff I didn’t want to do out of the way. Ready to come back to a freshly made bed, tidy house and right state of mind. I love starting the day with a clean sheet. The ocean ahead.
I need to change: act don’t preach
I wanted to share at a meeting but I felt a preacher come on and lowered my hand. I wanted to preach about the power of change as a vehicle that washes everything away.
Like moving house, the more shit you have the harder it is, the more help you need. And the temptation is to always leave those couple of boxes of random shit lying about to sort out “one day”. But we all have those still right?
I wanted to share my experience of changing everything around me, but it is only now that I have begun to change me.
Personal change needs fertile soil for new shoots to grow. Changing me in the wrong environment is like trying to sow seeds at the wrong time. You’ll never get the fruit. I need to wait for the right moment.
Instead I listened. As my sponsor says to change me, I really need to listen for the solution. This will only come from elders with longer sober time.
My thoughts raced about my previous counsellor whose suggestions I would challenge, fail to implement. Who am I to question someone with more sober time than I am old?
What’s important in recovery?
The most important thing for me is to live in hope, faith and trust:
This requires prayer.
I have a strong sense of wanting to do service:
This requires going to meetings.
I have a strong sense to move from telling to asking, preaching to being:
This requires a sponsor.
I went to a third meeting. It was in this meeting I felt a great sense of unease. I felt all my character defects being unravelled in front of me; self-centredness, ego, stubbornness, self-will, arrogance, greed, ungodliness.
I had an immediate urgency and sense to run a few doors down and use. This was an anxiety attack in the midst of a meeting
This was a flight response. But I also understood that I could fight myself, and what I was feeling, right there and then. I could shift my body language, my thinking. I
Moving, changing, being, enlightenment
Everyday I wake up to the challenge of progressing on Mallow’s hierarchy of needs. And I live in the full knowledge that I live in a relatively privileged position. That others are going through the same or similar circumstance.
The only way up the hierarchy of needs is with motivation, hope, faith and trust that each spiritual step forward improves my living condition.
I can choose to live in my pink cloud, with pink glasses, pink clothes, pink make up and pink hair. A decade of using has taught me that life is so much better with hope, faith and trust. I’ve cried at Banksy’s “There is always hope ” in a moment of accepting that Hope does in fact exist.
I used to be desolate and without hope. It was through this programme I am saved.
Today, I worry what others think. I worry what I look like, I worry about my defects, my ego, arrogance.
I don’t care. Progress over perfection. Ebb and flow. One day at a time. If I thought I had to solve my whole life problem at once I’d do something for 12 hours (or 7 days) that would appal me. I will not be afraid.
I get to pick which glasses I wear each day. I get to choose to be cynical or optimistic in the moment. Life is so much easier when we use the rose shade more than the cynics shade. And much more joyful. I don’t have to always be a cynic nor wear my rose tinted glasses.
I will live in my pink cloud, pink clothes, pink makeup, pink hair. Because most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.