The other day I went to the rather emotional 12 Step meeting where everyone shared on the experience of trauma, pain and healing within their recovery.
It is true all of our experiences will be different in recovery. It is true that we all used differently and had different experiences. All of our pain is unique, not better or worse or more or less. And this combined experience of the fellowship is something I am grateful for.
At the end of this meeting I played Mariah Carey “Hero” because of the lyrics. Yes it is a bit self willing but;
“When the hero comes along, with the strength to carry on, you’ll finally see the truth, a hero lies in you.”Mariah Carey – “Hero”
Over the past couple of days I’ve witnessed a flurry of newcomers, shy returners and people back from a relapse come to meetings. I was so happy and grateful to see these people back or new in. They are my heroes. Admitting I had a problem and swallowing my pride has been one of the most profound moments of my life.
It doesn’t matter what I did, how much I used only that I had a problem and wanted a solution.
Change is Chaotic.
Yesterday I went to the Turner exhibit “Turners Modern World” in the Tate Britain. In a fuck it moment, I bought a Tate membership. I have a list of fuck it’s everytime I really want to use.
And for the price of a Netflix subscription I now have a perfect date venue and free entrance to all the normally paid for exhibits a year.
It was here that Turner used so many metaphors for the cost of war, industrial change, chaos, human rights and slavery.
When he created illustrations the storms would become worse over time, the seascap swelling or smoke billowing more in the background. He’d use light to shine the cost of war on people. Turner was highly criticised for showing the true cost of war. For showing the idealic agrarian culture against the bee industrial steam age. It was never the process that Turner concentrated on but nature and people.
All change is brutal. It’s fucking hard. But it is with a few small changes it starts. Just coming to a meeting meant that all of a sudden I had to give up drink, drugs and the “essential gay apps”. It also requires brutal honesty with so many people. It’s a new way of life.Sober & The City – 2021
And it Works.
Since the start of my journey subtley, surely, slowly things have been changing and I have felt the promises come true. Only my HP knows how great my future wil become.
And it is with each newcomer I am grateful for the opportunity to do service, to remind me that sobriety is the way forward and for each “hero” adding to the rich tapestry and experience of our fellowship.
Turner went against the grain and showed the real cost of change in his paintings. Yes change is hard when you’re going through the detail. But when I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture I saw all of the beauty of the complete picture and the true message he was trying to carry.
I am grateful for my recovery, newcomers, my fellows experience and for change happening in us all.