Yesterday I decided to press the reshuffle button on life. After doing a mini self inventory on my defects, on the train back from Poole I decided I needed to approach all situations with compassion, action, service and curiosity.

I’ve also decided to do a new health and excercise kick. It was with great surprise that my weight was lower than I thought it was and that other vitals were all fine after four solid weeks of enjoying ice cream and chocolate.

So to turn the page on my health I decided to take action and exercise and transition to being vegan again.

I did my HIIT and had a wonderful but slightly bitchy conversation with a fellow. Although it was naughty it was a reminder there is humour in recovery.

The first kilometre is always the hardest

Sober and the City, 2021

I went for a run, the first kilometre is always downhill, fast but has the most temptation to run back to the house. I think of recovery like this. The first bit is always hard and a good old humbling always feels like a downhill.

I wanted to stop but I knew the uphill segment, although difficult, would be much more easier in its own way. One step, one day at a time. I was practically sprinting.

I started my ascent up the high hill and a recruiter called; it sounded like an application was progressing as we were negotiating salary, without an offer. A slightly tense outcome as although there is progress there is no commitment.

Life is full of the unexpected. Expect the unexpected. Be the unexpected.

It was then I decided to run all the way back down that big hill and sprint up it. It felt so fast running up the hill and it was a lot quicker than I was expecting. It reminded me that in life with short breaks we can always restart, retry and approach life’s troubles with tenacity. Be fierce.

I ache today, and hurt but it feels good providing some tough love to my body!

Putting together our story is catharsis and pain.

I also had a soul searching moment today when the DWP called for a capability for work assessment.

  • Yes I have been depressed since I was 14.
  • Yes I have had drug and alcohol problems since 2013.
  • Yes I was diagnosed with HIV in 2013.
  • Yes I’ve tried a whole plethora of prescribed drugs and am grateful for the Prozac which seems to be taking effect.
  • Yes my anxiety gives me panic attacks in large gatherings.
  • Yes stress is a major risk of relapse for me.
  • Yes I can work, but no I don’t always know if I will wake up with vivacity for life.
  • Yes I have put a belt round my neck to end my life more than once.
  • Yes I’m waiting for an assessment for ADHD
  • No, rehab has never been an option for me
  • Yes I have paranoia and disassociation symptoms from life as a result of withdrawal which seem like long term effects of my ex friend Tina.

Although challenging me, after all the relapses it reminded me how far I had come. I don’t know the outcome of this assessment but I hand it all over and hope things work out just fine.

It was a meeting that I met the glorious A who is so inspiring as a character and reminded me of so many basic things in prayer and meditation and presence in my recovery. It was wonderful to be there and even more wonderful to follow it up with a conversation with my sponsor where I fessed up a few sins!

No matter the climb, no matter how difficult. If I keep going I will go further than I think I can. I have my whole recovery family cheering me on, the whole way.

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